They say that the mind is a terrible thing to waste. If what they say is true, a wasteland is where I am and who I am is a wanderer.
Let me give you a brief background as to why I feel this way: It begins with a little book. Books, by the way, are dangerous. Sometimes they can uncover ugly truths, and inevitably they can make you think about the world which we seek to find a home in, and most egregiously, reflect on the self. One evil consequence of letting a book influence the mind is that a question arises, which asks: Who am I? You groan and you either shrug it off or pursue to answer the question to a comfortable conclusion. Well, as I've mentioned before, it begins with a little book, and it is by Alan Downs, called The Velvet Rage. This vile book has forced me to wander no more in ignorance and to seek sanctuary in authenticity.
My prior blog, hyphenated non-IDentity, had me exploring what it means to be a gay Asian man living in the United States. And I sought one validation after another. Sure, it helped me cope with coming out and accepting myself as a gay man. But it didn't save me from the constant leitmotif of feeling flawed. If I had broken free from the mask of heterosexuality, I had put on some other ill fitting mask, covering myself from being the real me. Then again, I don't know who the real me is. But I feel that Alan Downs is correct in saying that we are motivated by shame: "The inevitable by-product of growing up gay in a straight world continues to be the internalization of shame, a shame gay men may strive to obscure with a façade of beauty, creativity, or material success." I feel like a façade. I haven't fully accepted myself.
So here then is the premise of this blog. This is for me to chronicle my journey of finding my authenticity in this seemingly superficial city I call home. I want to enrich my life with real people. I want to embrace the truth without shying away from it. I may ruminate about the past and I may whine about the present, hell, I may contradict myself time and time again, but this is for me and only me. This is to help me accept myself, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I'm excited. I feel like I found a new voice. So here I go...
