Un-Focused

My lack of focus brings you this, my latest obsession:



The song is called "It Hurts" by 2NE1, which is pronounced "To Anyone" or "Twenty-one." Basically, it's a break up song.  Granted that I've never been broken up with, because I had the WONDERFUL experience of NOT having dated anyone, the song still speaks and reflects my melancholy.

Le SIGH.

***

The 2011 Book List
(Or, A List of Books I've Read So Far)

1. The Lost Hero, by Rick Riordan
2. The Last Olympian (Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Book 5), by Rick Riordan
3. The Battle of the Labyrinth (Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Book 4), by Rick Riordan
4. The Titan's Curse (Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Book 3), by Rick Riordan
5. The Sea of Monsters (Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Book 2), by Rick Riordan
6. The Lightning Thief (Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Book 1), by Rick Riordan

I totally agree that I need to move away from reading children's books, namely books written by Rick Riordan.

I is DRUNK

Just wanted to say, I is drunk.  I guess that's it.

It's good to go out and get trashed.  It's been a while.  I missed it.

But I can't seem to pass out.  What's up with that?

And I don't want to end up alone.

Huh. Weird.

Nite nite.

I Host the Way of Julia Child

When throwing a dinner party, it is essential to use Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking.  Seriously! I've no shame in admitting that I was inspired from watching Julie & Julia two summers ago and that subsequently I purchased the thick cooking treatise on French cookery.  However, unlike Julie, I did not vow to cook every recipe in this book in a year.  My goal was modest.  I wanted to throw a dinner party every now and then, inviting a small group of friends to break bread and to imbibe the gift of Dionysus, so that we can revel in our witty exchanges and simply chillax.  But obviously, I wanted us to eat something delicious, and Julia was the answer.

This weekend, I threw my first dinner party.  I made Coq au vin (Julia translates it as 'Chicken in Red Wine with Onions, Mushrooms, and Bacon,' but I think 'Cock in Wine' sounds better) and Haricots verts à la provençale (Green Beans with Tomatoes, Garlic, and Herbs). I like to take this opportunity to pat myself on the back, because the food was ah-may-zing. Of course, I went a little crazy with the preparation. At one point I had a flow chart made and I was following it step by step in addition to following Julia's instructions.  I planned it so that the food would be done by 7pm on the dot, the time all my guests were to have arrived.  But when two of my friends were 15 minutes late, I almost spazzed out, because I was worried that my main dish would have cooled and I would have to spend time reheating it.  If I had known that they would be late, I would have inserted into the flow chart Julia's additional instructions for setting aside the dish to be served later and then reheating it for service. But, alas, I didn't need the additional steps. The food cooling a little is not a catastrophe make.

All in all, the food won universal high praise. Julia knew what she was doing when she wrote her masterpiece. And I thank her for it.

Now, I must plan for my next dinner party. What to make, what to make. Hehehe.

Hey Hero, Are You Me?

The 2011 Book List
(Or, A List of Books I've Read So Far)

1. The Battle of the Labyrinth (Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Book 4), by Rick Riordan
2. The Titan's Curse (Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Book 3), by Rick Riordan
3. The Sea of Monsters (Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Book 2), by Rick Riordan
4. The Lightning Thief (Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Book 1), by Rick Riordan

***

Random Thoughts

Firstly, I figured that I would have finished more books by now. But then again, I am slow at everything I do. Time is my enemy.

Secondly, even though I've been reading the Percy Jackson saga this couple of weeks, and secretly (and now publicly) enjoying this children's series, I have a couple of issues with it. 

I don't like Riordan's concept of "Western" Civilization. In his books, he seems to imply that the world has known only one civilization, giving no thought of other civilizations and their influences to the rest of the world. The gods and their seat of power -- or what they represent in our modern world: philosophy, morality, governance, etc. -- have moved with the power centers of the mortal world, relocating from one dominant "Western" civilization to the next: from Ancient Greece to Rome, then to other power centers in Europe, and in the Twentieth Century, transferring from Britain to settle now here in the United States, with Mt. Olympus on top of the Empire State Building, and the gates of Hades somewhere in Los Angeles.  It makes me wonder however, what happened to the Great Spirits of the Native Americans, or to the Aztec and the Mayan gods, or to the Incan gods? What happened to the ideas and ideals these native spirits represented to the people who were here before the children of the "West" arrived?

More importantly, I wonder about who the heirs of Western Civilizations are now.  And if America of Riordan's imagination belongs only to the children of the "West." Granted that Riordan has written in minority characters--I won't take that away from him. Then why does he out of the way to point out that this demigod is "African-American" or that pegasus is black, who then speaks in jive? And to be frank, these minority characters are either white-washed or stereotypical.  Maybe, I'm reading too deep into nothing. Yet, I am a minority in America. I am a product of the East and the West. My own mind has been nourished by and has flourished with the light from the Western sky; my own personal mythology has its roots deep in the Eastern soil. And I will read with a prism of color, if compelled. But I am still like everyone else: I read to get lost in the story; and there is joy in reading.  The joy is you get to put yourself into the protagonist of the story. Percy Jackson could have been me.  But Riordan took that joy away from me, by indirectly narrowing the description of who Percy is by explicitly describing his friends and the world they live in the context of American race politics.

Lastly, to stop myself from rambling, I'm going to finish by introducing a comparison: the fantasy world and characters of Percy Jackson can't hold water to the magical world and individuals of Harry Potter.

Random Thoughts of the Day

1. I want my government to be efficient.  
• Why?  Because, I spent the entire day dialing and redialing the three to four numbers of the State of New Jersey Department of Labor and Workforce Development's Unemployment Insurance Benefits, only to be told that the lines were busy and that I should try again at a later time or go online.  And when I did go online, I couldn't log on.  And the only recourse to this issue was to call the three to four numbers to speak to an Agent.  And, and when, after many, many attempts, I finally got through, which meant a recorded voice telling me that the wait to talk to an Agent was twenty five minute instead of it telling me to call back at another time and hanging up on me, I felt ecstatic.  Ecstatic that I would be, in the near future, speaking, conversing, connecting with a real human being.  But when that twenty five minute wait became a wait that lasted more than an hour, I'm not going to lie, I was... peeved.  But, but when the recorded voice piped in saying that the wait time was now five minutes, hope was rekindled.   Then it stopped--the muzak and the many recorded advertisements of other services the fine Department of Labor provides--it stopped.  It finally felt like a person at the other end would answer my call.  A minute passed.  Then another, and another.  Then, then suddenly and unceremoniously, IT HUNG UP ON ME.  You may ask, are you sure the call wasn't dropped?  I'm sure the call wasn't dropped.  No, no, no, no, no!  The call wasn't dropped.  You can tell a difference between a call dropping and a call being hung up on.  AND I WAS HUNG UP ON!
2. I think the Republicans want to make our government less efficient.
• The sad thing is, as I watch the Republicans come to power again in our Federal government, you hear them arguing that a case like mine is a reason why private sector and not government is the answer; you hear them proclaiming that government being bloated is the truth, that cutting spending is the way, and that small government is the life promised in the American dream.  Yet how nightmarish it is that many people believe the GOP sound-bites to be the gospel truth.
3. At the moment, I believe Democrats need to fight, because there's no more room for compromises.
• There once was a family of three.  The mom and the dad had a boy who had difficulties getting good grades in school but at his martial arts training hall was a top of his peers. His dad, having evaluated his son's situation, decided to take his son out of school and use the money budgeted for education to use during his Friday night poker games instead of paying off his credit card debt.  The dad's decision was making a village idiot and a neighborhood bully out the boy and causing the family to go deeper into debt.  Really, most Friday night poker games saw the dad losing that might as well he should have just given the money away to his rich poker buddies.  The boy's mom, seeing her family crumbling before her eyes, took the money from the dad and returned the boy back to school.  After consulting with the boy's martial arts master, she decided that, instead of sending the boy to four martial arts classes a week, he'd still be at the top with just the two.  Mom had also decided to hire a tutor who'd come three times a week to help the boy improve his grade.  And even after all that, she found that there was still a little money left over to pay off the credit card debt.  But the boy complained and his dad egged him on.

All I Need is Love

It's a new year.

I guess it's important that I relent to the spirit of this New Year's cheer and declare that I'm hopeful. Well, I have my doubts and fears. But how does that cliché go: "once you hit rock bottom, the only way is up;" is that it? Of course the cynic in me would retort back with a snort, "do you really think you've hit rock bottom, really?" God knows I feel like I'm falling, flailing as I go, down the proverbial rabbit hole.

So, yes, therapy is helping me.

No! No, I refuse to go down this path!

That's how I normally would have begun a post. But I want to begin this year with a public execution: Hear ye, hear ye, the High Court of Jacob sentences cynicism and pessimism, the doubts and the fears, the darkness inside of me to death! Yet, the thing is, this, this spirit that I want dead, is a part of me. Execution ain't possible. The best I can hope for is a life sentence. Yes, a life sentence; that's it!

(What a long ass preamble.)

I've been thinking a lot about what I want for myself in 2011. But then I realized that it's not the wants I need fulfilling. Okay, most likely you can follow where I'm going with this, because it's so obvious. Nevertheless I find it difficult to confront it. Over the years I've told myself, both consciously and unconsciously, that needs only bring suffering, so I would go on living as to need nothing. I lived with this fallacy for far too long; I've far too many denials in my grab bag.

So what do I need?

Besides food, shelter, and clothing; or besides Maslow's first two set of needs, which are needs that encompass the physical side of life, I will accept and embrace that I need fulfilling the latter three of Maslow's basic needs.

It's just that I've always known that I needed those needs fulfilled, yet my... pride--was it pride?--that got in the way. The idea that I'm an exception to the rule. That I'm special and unique. I think it was a roundabout way of fulfilling the self-actualization need.

I'm still going about this the wrong way...

Love.

I said it.

All I need is love.

Love is what I need.

Every aspect of it.

The giving and the taking of.

Of self and of others.

Agape, phileo, and even eros.

It's one of life's theme I've imprisoned. It's a part of myself that I excised.

The scary part is how do I let it back, recognize it, give it being, etc., in the every day bane of living in this fallen world? Too existential?

"One step at a time," a little voice in my head is telling me.

I don't have a conclusion to this post. Then again, it's easy to be misled to think that life is about a beginning, a middle, and an end. There aren't clear delineating indicators. Life is messy, my gut tells me. Life is continuation of perpetual beginnings, middles, and ends.

So, my first step is I'm going to love this mess.

***

Books I've read in 2011.

1. The Lightning Thief (Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Book 1), by Rick Riordan